Get all 28 Grant Sharkey releases available on Bandcamp and save 70%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of 22/40: The Right Kinda of Love, ARE YOU WORTHY? (A Musical), 20/40: Stay Smart and Adaptable, 19/40: Social Musica, I'd **** Myself For The Lab...Would You?! (Live @ The Lab, Northampton, 02/12/22), 18/40: Wolk Music (For Children, Fascists and Grown-ups), 17.5/40: Viable, 17/40: BEASTS II, and 20 more.
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1. |
Shit Sandwich
03:45
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This is a shit sandwich
Behold the shit sandwich
It’s a couple of slices of bread with some shit spread in-between
It’s not my shit sandwich
I don’t like shit sandwiches
Whomever this shit sandwich belongs to should come clean
When I find ‘em
Make ‘em eat it
And they’ll say ‘Yum! Yum!’
But they won’t mean it
Nobody likes shit sandwich
Why did you make this shitty sandwich?
HUH?!
This is a shit sandwich
Making a stench inside of my fridge
HEY I HAD A YOGHURT IN THERE and now it tastes of shit
It’s not a Poo Panini
Or a turd linguini
(it’s just a) white bread, run-of-the-mill sandwich made of shit
Whoever made it
Had better claim it
Saying ‘That’s my favourite’
“That’s the shit I’m craving’
If you make a shit sandwich
You better be prepared to eat it.
IF YOU MADE THIS SHIT SANDWICH
THEN YOU EAT THE SHIT SANDWICH
DON’T YOU DARE EVER BLAME ME IF YOUR BREATH NOW STINKS OF SHIT
YOU’RE THE ONE THAT DEFICATED
CUT OFF THE CRUSTS AND THEN YOU ATE IT
NOW ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE WALKING AWAY, MAINLY BECAUSE YOU’RE EATING SHIT.
IF YOU’RE HUNGRY
DON’T GET ANGRY
IF YOU COULD NOT WAIT
FOR SOMETHING HEALTHY
This is a shit sandwich
Behold this Brexshit sandwich.
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2. |
The Brexit Party
04:51
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We’re having a party!
It’s a Brexit Party – BRACE YOURSELVES!
It’s gonna get weird!
---
Late at night in a secret room
Underneath every Wetherspoons
They congregate and prostrate themselves to Lord Farage!
They all start on their hands and knees
And take a shit on democracy
Then set it on fire and cram it back into their arse.
Getting high, getting drunk, getting naked
St George’s Sex Toy getting lubricated
Won half a vote this is how they celebrate it
They love their country and DON’T CARE IF THEY BREAK IT!
---
Widdecombe reclines on a pile of coats
Spread and ready for the patriots
Who line up and wait to inseminate their queen
Nigel says that in nine months time
She’ll give birth to the golden child
Who’s bloodline’s divine and will help to define their creed.
Gettin’ voters wound up, frustrated,
Until Putin is masturbating,
Getting fucked up on fear and hatred
Fingers crossed that Anne’s ovulating!
---
With a little bit of Russian Money
You too can decimate an entire country! [x4]
---
[4 bars of drums]
---
WE ARE SERIOUS AT POLITICS!
Now we have the woman what sang in Bucks Fizz
We’re not just some school kids grooming simple dickheads, you see.
We’re just a band of People’s Millionaires,
World renowned for how much we care
For the sick and the poor,
elderly (and their properties...)
We’re the party of constant outrage
Denying climate change and curing the gays,
You play the rats and we’ll play the plague
We’re gonna party like WE WILL BE OBEYED!
---
You don’t have to be mad to work here
But everyone is mad who works here
You don’t have to bad to work here
But everyone is bad who works here
You don’t have to be rich to work here
But everyone is rich who works here
You don’t have to be evil to work here
But everyone is evil who works here
With a little bit of Russian Money
You too can decimate an entire country!
(Arron Banks is a Russian Asses
Tim Martin is a Drunken Asshat)
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3. |
Massive Car
03:56
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He’s got a massive car – it barely fits down tiny roads
A massive car – seems that everywhere he goes
People get too close to him – and he beeps his tiny horn
Massive car – it keeps his ego nice and safe
Massive car – hand washed and waxed on Saturdays
Buy “those polish guys” – who are actually Latvians
He voted leave – he loves his country
And he loves sovereignty (whatever that means)
If you give him an inch – he’ll take a mile
And complain he’s only got a mile!
He’s got such a tiny heart and mind
He’s such a massive car...driver
---
Massive car – with a hyper-macho name
Massive car – proves he a wealthy alpha male
It’s FORD COCKMASTER DEATH MERCHANT HYBRID, so don’t you ever mess with him
He’s got an angry wife – with a tiny little dog
She laughs at him – picking up tiny doggy logs
From the backseat – and he wishes she was dead
They’ve got some kids – but he hates them
‘Cuz they are communists – who support labour,
fight for equality, diversity and the whole planet’s ecology
They say, ‘Dad you’re such a fossil fool
You’re such a massive car...driver’
---
One by one they all leave him
The house is empty in the evenings, he
Sits there crying, in the garage
‘I’m so lonely!
I’m so angry!
Why did they leave me?!
I’M BLOODY LOVELY!’
---
He drives his massive car down to the local hospital
They’ve found a lump deep down inside his old bumhole
The doctor sighs – ‘there is nothing we can do’
(Government cuts)
He drives back home and starts his last days on the earth
Wondering, what his life was finally worth
Did people actually like him? But the answer’s too painful.
And then dies.
Placed in a box with penny’s on his dead eyes.
At the funeral everyone tries to cry,
But their eyeballs stay dry
And lie ‘he was such a great guy!’
But they’re actually kinda glad he’s dead
He was such a massive
Nightmare for the race and planet
He’s such a massive
Waste of time and resources
He was such a massive car...driver.
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4. |
Imagine: A Sea Turtle
01:55
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Deep in the ocean, there’s a little sea turtle
Choking to death on an old tape
Of John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’
---
And there’s a Lima in the trees,
And he’s coughing and wheezing
On the fumes from a burning copy of Earth Song...by Michael Jackson
---
Elton John
flew 20 times around the world
Singing HEY! it’s the Circle of Life!
---
Millions of bess
Are now all deceased
From the chemicals
Used to make Morrisey’s salad.
----
And there’s a whale somewhere out there
With a intestinal tear
Caused by a DVD of David Attenborough’s ‘Blue Planet’
---
I see toxic landfill, full up to the brim with
Louis Armstrong’s ‘What a wonderful world!’
---
And deep in the ocean, there’s a little sea turtle
Choking to death on an old tape
Of John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ OH YEAH
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5. |
Future Dick
03:57
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In the year 3013 on an episode of something like Time Team
They’ll be digging a hole to find a story untold (and I’ll be in trouble)
They’ll find a bag made of polythene, on the side, it’s addressed to ‘Grant Sharkey’ inside they find chunks of polystyrene, a sight they find so obscene they puke everywhere.
And they’ll surmise that I am an asshole brimming with spite,
For the future of humanity – but that’s just not me!
So in my defence:
I bought a brand new washing machine, to help the economy and to get my rancid clothes clean – I unwrapped it with glee and plumbed it in with a ‘squee!’ and started my washing
Around my feet, polystyrene and bubble wrap, I bagged it up and threw it out with the other crap, I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t thought it through, so I panicked.
In the future, they’ll paint a picture of me killing the planet deliberately. Robot Tony Robinson will call me a DICK and the other robots will agree and call me a DICK.
DICK
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6. |
||||
I was ill with the gastric flu when I heard the news that Pharoh was going to fall
Sat on the bog I read the Facebook blogs, Egypt’s rallying call – GO SLAVES!
I hit LIKE to show my support for democracy’s plight – but sat there in my rancid air something inside me just didn’t feel right.
(It wasn’t the flu – that just made me poo)
Is this course of human evolution, to save me from wiping before I join a revolution?
Whilst people were dying, I thought I had done my bit – but all I did was like a fucking Facebook page an in reality I hadn’t done shit...
...except for the obvious one in the this story.
I make a pledge – I’m gonna think before I LIKE it
A new experience – I swear I’m going try it first!
Everyone’s LIKING, no-one’s loving it (which makes us collectively weak)
So if there’s a little joke about cats – LIKE IT
If they’re trying to kill off the sick and the poor – GET OFF YOUR ASS
If you see a nice recipe for a vegan cake – LIKE IT!
If the planet desperately needs some grown ups – GET OFF YOUR ASS!
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7. |
Pandas
03:32
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I said I’d love you for the rest of our lives – which won’t be that long unless we get it on,
We face extinction ‘less we make love tonight - I gotta get close to you, so come and share my bamboo
Our keeper’s anxious for us to have sex
She’s checked that I’m spunky, she’s checked all your eggs
I know it’s not easy ‘cuz I look like your ex – but it’s just one night.
It may sound creepy and I know that’s not cool – but time’s running out for your to put out.
It’s dire situation, but I swear it’s the truth - I wouldn’t lie to you just to do the hump-hump with you
I’ll sing you songs I’ll dance with you tender and sweet
We’ll laugh til we’re sick then our black eyes will meet
I’ll try not to scratch you whilst we’re between the sheets
But it’s just one night
The next morning she lays on my chest – our duty done, I think she had fun
Giggly breakfast check the endangered list – and we’re not on there, we high five in the air
Quicker than expected – but that’s no complaint
We over came our obstacles, we’ve broken our chains
And if I’m lucky, we’ll do it again for the rest of our lives.
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8. |
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9. |
Grant Sharkey UK
DIY, bass playing troubadour. On a mission to release an album every 6 months for 20 years.
RELEASE: 1st May and 5th November every year.
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